Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Wednesday's child was full of IDIOT!

Ok so maybe I embarress myself from time to time...it's not that I mean to, it's just that I (often) let too much slip. Not helped by my plain stupidity that pops up from time to time.

I'll give you an all too recent example. I get a date (!) with this girl who is far too fit for me (!!) - in fact, it turns out she has a modelling contract (!!!). A date I had agreed to just a few hours previously - thus not providing me with adequete time to worry. So I'm on the back foot already by the time I turn up (with post-walk-sweaty-fat-boy-'glow', which does nothing to help the situation).

Everything starts off alright, chatting an' shit (not literally obviously, that certainly wouldn't bode for a good date - unless you were into that kind of thing, but I wouldn't have thought that is something you'd be discussing on a first date - oh shut up Ed, story time!) Yes story time, story time...yeah so she's nice, the only problem being that I get distracted by the nagging thought that she had forgotten what I looked like, following our introduction, and was now looking for a get out clause. This wasn't helped by the fact that when we attempted to move bars I bumped to a 'friend' who said "Heyyyy Ed and his girlfriend!!!! We're all in there [pointing at a bar surprisingly], come in and join ussshhhh" (he was drunk in case you hadn't noticed). So, as you would in any excellent date, you go and join twenty of your pissed friends in a pub for a grand ol' shake down.

Bearing the fact that she knows none of my friends in mind, she performs magnificently, and it builds my admiration and confidence in her - this is good stuff. So the rest of the night goes alright, despite the obvious drawbacks of twenty of your mates calling her 'Ed's bird' and asking "How long have you been going out?" etc, etc, bloody etc...The night comes to an end and we leave...

So we kiss down a side road, I won't go into glorious detail, but about 8 groups tell us to 'get a room' - ok, fine by me I think! But then suddenly something, somewhere exploded in my head, not literally, and not something I was aware of at the time, but almost certainly at that very moment my common sense and minimal social skills had linked arms and jumped ship.

We get to the taxi queue and she asks "Do you want to get a taxi?"

"Well I only live a walk up there." I say pointing in the direction in which I live.

"It's ok we can drop you off then come back towards mine." she suggests.

"It's in an opposite direction though" (WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING??!!!)

"Oh come on, it doesn't matter" she pleads (as I like to remember) pulling at my arm.

"I kind of like walking with my music on, I have an iPod and everything" I produce said iPod as if it might make her see my point as well impress her with my chicness - oh yeah!

"Ok if you say so."

Now I'm perfectly happy at this point, not really sure why (the unreported 'get a room' section contained no source for satisfaction - I swear that's not a pun of any kind). So she gets in the taxi and drives off home, while I flick on my iPod and dance my way home to McFly's 'That Girl'. I haven't heard from her since.

So I made a number of mistakes that night - however, the 'normal' person might be tempted to keep these to themself, lock them in a little box in their brain, or report them to a blog (stay tuned ;o) ) - no no, me? I'll tell everyone at work on Monday, and then the rest of my friends, so that everyone can laugh at me!! Wahey!

Dear me, a what a foolish boy I am - I let a fit girl slip despite her trying to get me in a taxi with her, then I go and tell everyone what I did! All in a days work eh? Well I suppose things could be worse couldn't they....erm....any suggestions?!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Bloody Aussies

Boy am I lazy...Thursday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday - that's SIX days without an e-update to my blog! Six days! Rubbish. So I apologise.

Anyway I have my excuses, weekends are usually the same in my life - drunk, hungover, drunk, hungover - all four of which do not make good states for writing, or doing anything halfly good. In fact, most recently they've only been good for watching Lion King and Friends on DVD. Ace.

On Friday I found myself in a conversation with a woman. This woman was one of my friend's girlfriends (he gets around) and we were talking about sport, in particular cricket. She could not see the attraction of watching England beating those bastard Aussies at cricket because "they're only other people". Now I don't subscribe to the view of 'Woman at a sports ground = WOAT (Waste of a ticket)', however, anyone who likes to take the slightest interest or pleasure in watching sport will surely share my frustration at this view, and perhaps concur that I should've just ended that conversation with: "SHUT UP YOU STUPID IDIOT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!" (Capitals = Shouting, Explanation Marks = Anger).

I didn't though, and continued the conversation nobly (hehe yes it is a word - and a very funny one at that) through the grittiest of teeth (I was eating a bowl of poorly washed Mussels Marinaire at the time). I went on to explain to her that Australian cricketers should be hated because..."Well just look at their ratty faces!". Now I won't win any kind of mass debate awards for that little speech, but I refuse to accept that sports rivalries shouldn't exist because the opposition are just 'other people'. That's the purest form of bullsh*t.

I suppose there's no real point to this rant, if I couldn't convince someone into hating the Aussies yesterday then I won't be able to convert anyone today. They're cricketers are to be hated by all English. Full stop. Period.

As I lay watching the cricket yesterday morning, so hungover that it felt as though someone had operated on my head, I received a text message that momentarily lifted me out of my pretty dire mood, and partially restored my faith in people. It was from my brother, all it said was:

"Glenn McGrath is a massive c*nt".

It's always good to know that someone is thinking the same thing as you.

Hmm perhaps I'm in another bad mood. That's acceptable - we have just lost. Time for another bath then a big dose of Uncle Buck.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Happy Daze

Ahhhhhh I'm feeling more relaxed, rejuvenated and reflective today following yesterday's little session of angriness. I still feel the anger burning deep inside me, but that's ok, I don't feel the need to express it at this moment. I just let it pass over me like a wave rubbing incessantly against a pissed off sea anemone trying to get some kip :o)

In fact so re, re, re'd that I've been listening to Imogen Heap and The Magic Numbers, I've purchased this book, and I've prepared my resignation letter for work. Life is good.

I should say though this has all happened since my post-football bath earlier (with relaxing Radox bath stuff in it), during which I became so relaxed that I almost let a turtle from the cage. That would have been far from relaxing.

Time for sleep for me - but if you're 'burning the midnight oil', 'not working tomorrow/work lates', 'live in a different time zone', 'reading this at a later date' or 'surfing for porn' check out my friends new blog, it's great (Note: It doesn't contain porn, if that's what you're after - yet).

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I'm lovin' it

Please someone, anyone, tell me the point of marketing and advertising?! I mean really, in the grand scale of life and universe, what do these two things bring to us?? Before I go on, I think Bill Hicks makes a good point (bear with me, I have reasoning behind this little rant - I ain't mental):
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.
Ok ok maybe his suggestions were a bit I dunno...erm extreme? But really, I struggle to understand what advertising offers us everytime I see that BLOODY MCDONALDS ADVERT!!! Argh!!!! (I hope the number of explanation marks represents some of my anger!!!!!)

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you soon will - it's the advert about people who nick chips. Yes. People. Who. Nick. Chips....Genius!

Now it wouldn't be so bad (because I can tolerate many things jamster and esure) except that the whole thing is dressed up with stupid music, a horribly sickly mixed-age, mixed-sex and mixed-race cast of pathetic smiley idiots, and - worst of all - voiced over by some irate Manc who clearly spends so much time in McDonalds, and has SO many 'chip thieving' friends, that he has divided all of these devious 'chip thieves' into numerous witty categories of 'chip thief'. Twat.

This advertising masterstroke finally ends with the 'victim' stuffing chips in his gobby mouth and screaming "Ver moin en your not 'avin 'eneh!!". At this point, of course, I wonder "Ooh now where's the nearest Maccy D's?".

I'm sorry to rant on, and I'm sure there are some very lovely (probably disillusioned) people in marketing and advertising out there, but this is horrible stuff - and when I'm watching Big Brother, and being wound up by one moany shit (Craig) shouting around about food, it irritates me that another pops up during the ad break. Something I don't need just before bedtime, thank you.

Now, come on marketeers/adverters (note poor use of words intended to irritate marketeers/adverters) let's all learn from me and move on. Big Macs still tastes good though damnit.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Always write a title first...

A pleasing day...

I was ONLY 45p away from guessing the exact amount I'd spent in the Supermarket today - WITHOUT counting up along the way! Genius! Oh, and to clarify, THAT close despite buying almost 50 POUNDS WORTH of shopping! And despite the death of the 36 fishfingers for £2 deal :o( I was figuring the gods really are smiling on me - and who can argue with that following this little incident?!

Well in the white heat of this excitement I almost found myself telling the woman serving me about my £10-a-bag-theory (discounting beer and wine obviously!!!)... but alas this was a situation where there was no possible chance of me not coming off as some kind of freak.

If that wasn't enough, I also added the Make Poverty History banner to my blog, a pretty satisfying task. I think you should click on it now and find out about how we first-worlders can help, OK? Good. Well done.

Also didn't realise it was Monday until about 7pm. This is a good thing.

Anyway I'm new to this blogging game and work (and the recovery beer after) appears to numb my brain. Errrrrrrrr I think I need a holiday...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Blog Crazy

My blog. If this day should go down as anything, it's definately the day I embraced the blog with the full brute of my loving arms.

Inspired by others (mainly JonnyB), I've created this blog to record the happening is my own little universe. I'm sure you'll find it very errr... [insert word to summarise life].

Ooh I've just made a decision, yep definately - although perhaps I've always known but I've always been too scared to admit it - I can't concentrate with music on. It's a nice concept, but it aint happening. Does this make me a less interesting person? I don't think so.

Another decision, those bent keyboards are crap, I might have to nick a proper one from work tomorrow. This simply wont do.

Erm, the thing that's always put me off doing these is starting with some big boring introduction about me and my life, so I'm not going to bother with that. If you care enough then you'll read the words and put it all together like a giant technicolour jigsaw puzzle. If you don't then I haven't impressed you enough. Sorry.

Good...

Well hopefully this will become a regular occurrence, and something to behold and cherish in 30 years time. Hmm unlikely though really.

Bye for now.